24 hours 30 minutes from BTR to IAD (Through ATL and a crazy

11-26-2001, 12:57 PM

Hello all,

Below is a trip report written by my boss (funny guy) about the two of us attempting to get back to Washington from Louisianna Two weeks ago. Our trip was complicated by the man who did something that resembled an airport security breach, causing a ripple of travel problems throughout the U.S. We were caught up in that ripple. Enjoy

Ben = Me
Johanning = Co-worker
Jim = Boss
"Our Government counterpart" = Just that.

P.S. - Great pictures of this event are at:
http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...leans-november

Jim and Ben’s Big Adventure – Fear and Loathing in Atlanta (An Extra Credit Project)

Wed 11AM – In an act of complete selflessness, Ben allows Johanning to drive us to the airport in his Beamer. The ride is uneventful except for the half-eaten plate of food we found in the trunk. Ben has asked me not to include this in the report, so I won’t.

Wed 1130 – We check in at the ticket counter, where the agent looks admiringly at the two of us after I tell her he is my traveling companion and that I am paying for his ticket. What a handsome couple. I tell her that I am the dominant one.

Wed 1200 – Ben and Jim go through security and are in awe when we observe the scores of our Argenbright security brethren doing security things. Ben places his laptop on the conveyor belt. In an amazing display of technical wizardry our Pakistani amigo manages to adeptly shift the machine into reverse, catapulting Ben’s laptop out the back like a clay skeet dish. Laptops can bounce. They can bounce twice. Jim and Ben are not amused. Our Government counterpart has now joined us and appears to be deeply affected by the event. As the National Guard sequesters us off to the side, fearing an incident about to occur, our government counterpart declares a Fatwa on all security people at Gate B.

Wed 1230 – Jim and Ben manage to find a person among the Argenbright staff who recognizes the key security phrase “I need to see a manager”. Ben fills out the prerequisite claims paper work with encryption penmanship only Ben can read. Jim manages to find a supervisor who has no business card and doesn’t know his office phone number. Jim and Ben feel really safe getting on the plane. Argenbright is here to keep us safe.

Wed 1:00 – We find out the plane will be an hour late. This gives us a chance to shop at the airport. This gives Jim a woody.

Wed 2:00 – We get on the plane. Through the wonders of modern technology Jim was able to select Jim and Ben’s seat via the Internet. The Internet informed Jim that there were only middle seats available. When Jim and Ben get on the plane, they are the only two people sitting in middle seats. Although middle seats are Jim’s favorites, he and Ben begrudgingly move to one of the several sets of seats that are entirely empty. Having close contact with others is good, but it is at times more fulfilling when you have to pay for it.

Wed 400 – We arrive in Atlanta. There are many beautiful women at the airport. Ben and Jim fantasize that they are being stalked, but we probably aren’t.

Wed 6:00 – We arrive in Baton Rouge. Our government counterpart tries to convince Jim that renting a Lincoln Towncar would be a really good idea and that that government doesn’t ever mind that type of thing. Jim gives the Hertz lady our government counterpart’s credit card and say’s OK.

Wed 6-7:30 – Jim and Ben allow our government counterpart to drive the car (and we use that term generously) to New Orleans, where our morning meeting will take place. Apparently our government counterpart needs about 20 minutes notice when he needs to make a turn. Despite our repeated warnings from Steve, Ben and Jim find ourselves in the heart of exactly where Steve told us to never, never, ever, never be. Our government counterpart begins displaying an unnerving fascination with the ingenious population surrounding the car. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that we have a brand new white Lincoln with the interior lights on, maps flailing wildly, and our government counterpart, the incredible Caucasian saying things out that open window like “Gee whiz” and “Holy cow!” Ben and Jim are mortified. Ben tries to overcome the awkwardness by doing the Vaughnman’s rap with MC Jimmy James doing the funky scratches to the up beat. We are awesome.

Wed 8:00 – We go to a place called Bourbon Street where we get to see unattractive people disrobing for plastic beads. Ben likened the experience to watching the aftermath of a car accident….You’re not really sure why you’re still watching, but somehow you can’t stop yourself. Do you remember the time you accidentally saw your grandmother naked? I don’t, but apparently our government counterpart does…..and he kept on talking about it. Ewgy.

Thursday early – Friday afternoon – Meetings…We’ll spare the details. They all went extremely well. The only recallable highlight was when Ben told someone from the Emergency Management Center that he used to manage the entire NOC at UUNET. Ben didn’t think Jim was listening.

Friday - 4pm – Ben learns that the Atlanta airport has been closed due to a security breach. Even at this time it is unclear what this hosehead did, but suffice it to say that he did something to get 250 Delta flights cancelled and the airport evacuated.

Friday – 5pm – Ben and Jim get on a 20 person line to get our tickets (Ben and Jim will never get e-tickets again). There is only one person working the counter and she is apparently mildly retarded.

Fri 6:30 – Ben and Jim have now been on line for 1 ½ hours. Our government counterpart has decided to punt and go back to Baton Rouge and continue living the secret life of Our Government Counterpart, which involves some semblance of deviant behavior…apparently when we got back to the hotel on Thursday night, our government counterpart snuck back out to go to the gambling casino. Weird?…you be the judge. Jim decides to go see if he can forage some food. He has .34 in cash at this moment so he goes to the cash machine where he gets the message – Your card has expired. Jim calls his spouse to inquire about this phenomenon and is told that he got a new card in the mail TWO WEEKS AGO. Fantastic! Jim is not pleased, but he hides these things well. He spends the next several minutes assaulting his Turducken in an unprecedented display of rage, the likes of which have not been seen since Chris Farley played a ninja in the movies. Ben gives Jim money and begs him to start drinking and achieve a state in which Ben believes Jim is more tolerant and at peace with himself. This is the Irish way. Jim goes upstairs to the location of the ONLY RESTURANT IN THE AIRPORT!!!! Jim cannot go through the gate because he has no plane ticket. Jim is not pleased, but again he manages to hide it well. Nobody sees Jim cry.

Jim and Ben remain on line for a total of 2 hours and 45 minutes during which time a flight leaves to Atlanta with 15 empty seats. We get tickets for a 10pm flight. Now it’s time to eat (and drink)……yeah!!!!!

I should point out at this time that at no point during the 2 ¾ hours that we were there did anybody make an announcement about what happened in Atlanta, or that there were major delays…and the flight board still declared all flights on-time. Fantastic.

The restaurant closes 15 minutes before we get upstairs. Jim is displeased, but hides it well. Ben is checking his pockets for bail money. I believe he is afraid.

Jim and Ben take a cab to get food. We ask for something close. The cab ride costs 20 bucks. The driver lets us out at the side of the restaurant and leaves. Jim and Ben walk around the side to discover……AN HOUR WAIT TO GET SEATED!!!

Jim and Ben manage to weasel their way into some seats and order lots of food. Ben orders two martinis and gives them both to Jim. This is an act of love. Jim’s food comes (The BBQ platter) and Ben is amazed and jealous of Jim’s portion. He is so obsessed that he takes a picture.

During dinner, a 70 year old woman comes up to Ben and tells him that he looks like her nephew, who is a fine young man and quite a hugger. Ben asks the woman if she wants a hug. The two embrace (for several more minutes than would be socially acceptable) and I am made strangely jealous by the whole situation. Ben sits down and informs me that he must order the soufflé for dessert.

Jim and Ben return to the airport and get on a plane for Atlanta. We have been upgraded to first class and can order free Bailey’s Irish Cream. We are living large. There are only five other fools on board.

Saturday 1am – Jim and Ben arrive in Atlanta and taxi to the gate. We will have a fifteen-minute delay before we can deplane.

Saturday 4pm – Our fifteen minute delay takes three hours. Ben and Jim attempt to take a nap. Ben thinks Jim is asleep and attempts to have phone sex with Kelsey.

Saturday 4:30 – Ben and Jim must find their luggage. They will take the rail system to the concourse that has the luggage. This is good because the concourse is over a half mile away. Jim and Ben are informed that the rail system is not operational. Jim is displeased. At this time Jim wishes he didn’t have a 30 lb. Turducken with him. The Turducken is melting. Jim is annoyed that Ben finds this amusing.. He keeps asking to look in the bag and see if the Turducken has a “heart-light” like E.T. that is slowly losing its glow. Ben is not funny.

Ben sees a father carrying his son on his shoulders and asks if he can ride on mine. Jim gives Ben the look of death and waps him in the skull with the Turducken. If the Turducken had still been frozen, Ben would cease to exist.

Saturday - 5am – Ben and Jim arrive at Baggage claim. It is very organized. There are 15,000 bags arranged in no particular order strewn all over the room. The information board displays vital information in helping passengers find their bags like. “Welcome to Atlanta!” Somehow Ben and Jim find their bags. Jim suggests that they get a push cart. Ben worships Jim’s understanding of technology and offers to pay if he pushes. We are a team. They proceed to the ticketing area where once again they suspect they are being stalked by airport babes. We think chicks dig bedhead.

Saturday 5:30 – Apparently 5000 other people have the same idea Ben and Jim have about getting plane tickets from Delta. We thought this was our idea. Ben and Jim attempt to find the end of the line. This is no small feat. Bedlam prevails and no one from Delta seems to be helping. In a flagrant act of anarchy Jim and Ben form their own line and draft several other renegade passengers to join the cult. They declare Ben their leader and follow him wherever he goes. Ben is a God. He gets us tickets and we will fly at 12:30 pm. Ben and Jim make several new friends. Ben offers to erect a web site in their honor.

Saturday – 6am – Jim and Ben go through security. We like that.

Saturday – 6:30 – Jim and Ben go to Burger King. Ben experiences gastrointestinal distress. The airport is an amazing display of 8000 people asleep on the floor and various other make-shift bedding. Jim and Ben will not sleep. Jim and Ben are warriors.

Saturday – 9:00 – Ben succumbs to sleep on the floor. He is a *****. Jim continues to walk around the airport and ogle women. Chicks dig that rumpled, just woke up look. If Jim only had a hat he would surely score.

Ben wakes up approximately once each hour to a new adoring group of family members staring at the drool oozing from his mouth. They have never seen a real live homeless person before. Ben shoos them away screaming….”I make more money than your father!”…..

Ben is losing it. He requires 12-14 hours of sleep per day.

Sat – 12:00 – Delta announces that the flight is delayed another hour because that crew got on the wrong plane. Silly crew.

Saturday – 3pm – Jim and Ben arrive in Virginia. Julie will meet us at the airport and give us a ride home. The plan is working like clockwork!!!!

Saturday - 4pm – Jim and Ben are still looking for their luggage. It is not there. The Delta claims office is very helpful in telling us that they aren’t really concerned.. Lot’s of people have lost their luggage. We could not hope to be unique in that regard. We are one of many. We call Julie on the cell phone to inform her that we may be late. The cell phone is dead. Perfect.

Saturday – 4:30 – Ben and Jim recover their luggage from the next flight coming in from Atlanta. Julie meets them on the upper concourse for the short ride back to Blackbird. Booch, recognizing the fact that Ben is in a weakened state, decides to engage him in some intellectual banter which is meant to crush and humiliate him. Booch will get in trouble for this, but states later that it was worth it. “I won, Dad” he declares. It was true.

Rest of Weekend – Ben and Jim sleep the sleep of the dead. The warrior dead. We are home.

D – Don’t
E – Ever

L – Link

T- Through

A - Atlanta

11-26-2001, 12:57 PM

Hello all,

Below is a trip report written by my boss (funny guy) about the two of us attempting to get back to Washington from Louisianna Two weeks ago. Our trip was complicated by the man who did something that resembled an airport security breach, causing a ripple of travel problems throughout the U.S. We were caught up in that ripple. Enjoy

Ben = Me
Johanning = Co-worker
Jim = Boss
"Our Government counterpart" = Just that.

P.S. - Great pictures of this event are at:
http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...leans-november

Jim and Ben’s Big Adventure – Fear and Loathing in Atlanta (An Extra Credit Project)

Wed 11AM – In an act of complete selflessness, Ben allows Johanning to drive us to the airport in his Beamer. The ride is uneventful except for the half-eaten plate of food we found in the trunk. Ben has asked me not to include this in the report, so I won’t.

Wed 1130 – We check in at the ticket counter, where the agent looks admiringly at the two of us after I tell her he is my traveling companion and that I am paying for his ticket. What a handsome couple. I tell her that I am the dominant one.

Wed 1200 – Ben and Jim go through security and are in awe when we observe the scores of our Argenbright security brethren doing security things. Ben places his laptop on the conveyor belt. In an amazing display of technical wizardry our Pakistani amigo manages to adeptly shift the machine into reverse, catapulting Ben’s laptop out the back like a clay skeet dish. Laptops can bounce. They can bounce twice. Jim and Ben are not amused. Our Government counterpart has now joined us and appears to be deeply affected by the event. As the National Guard sequesters us off to the side, fearing an incident about to occur, our government counterpart declares a Fatwa on all security people at Gate B.

Wed 1230 – Jim and Ben manage to find a person among the Argenbright staff who recognizes the key security phrase “I need to see a manager”. Ben fills out the prerequisite claims paper work with encryption penmanship only Ben can read. Jim manages to find a supervisor who has no business card and doesn’t know his office phone number. Jim and Ben feel really safe getting on the plane. Argenbright is here to keep us safe.

Wed 1:00 – We find out the plane will be an hour late. This gives us a chance to shop at the airport. This gives Jim a woody.

Wed 2:00 – We get on the plane. Through the wonders of modern technology Jim was able to select Jim and Ben’s seat via the Internet. The Internet informed Jim that there were only middle seats available. When Jim and Ben get on the plane, they are the only two people sitting in middle seats. Although middle seats are Jim’s favorites, he and Ben begrudgingly move to one of the several sets of seats that are entirely empty. Having close contact with others is good, but it is at times more fulfilling when you have to pay for it.

Wed 400 – We arrive in Atlanta. There are many beautiful women at the airport. Ben and Jim fantasize that they are being stalked, but we probably aren’t.

Wed 6:00 – We arrive in Baton Rouge. Our government counterpart tries to convince Jim that renting a Lincoln Towncar would be a really good idea and that that government doesn’t ever mind that type of thing. Jim gives the Hertz lady our government counterpart’s credit card and say’s OK.

Wed 6-7:30 – Jim and Ben allow our government counterpart to drive the car (and we use that term generously) to New Orleans, where our morning meeting will take place. Apparently our government counterpart needs about 20 minutes notice when he needs to make a turn. Despite our repeated warnings from Steve, Ben and Jim find ourselves in the heart of exactly where Steve told us to never, never, ever, never be. Our government counterpart begins displaying an unnerving fascination with the ingenious population surrounding the car. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that we have a brand new white Lincoln with the interior lights on, maps flailing wildly, and our government counterpart, the incredible Caucasian saying things out that open window like “Gee whiz” and “Holy cow!” Ben and Jim are mortified. Ben tries to overcome the awkwardness by doing the Vaughnman’s rap with MC Jimmy James doing the funky scratches to the up beat. We are awesome.

Wed 8:00 – We go to a place called Bourbon Street where we get to see unattractive people disrobing for plastic beads. Ben likened the experience to watching the aftermath of a car accident….You’re not really sure why you’re still watching, but somehow you can’t stop yourself. Do you remember the time you accidentally saw your grandmother naked? I don’t, but apparently our government counterpart does…..and he kept on talking about it. Ewgy.

Thursday early – Friday afternoon – Meetings…We’ll spare the details. They all went extremely well. The only recallable highlight was when Ben told someone from the Emergency Management Center that he used to manage the entire NOC at UUNET. Ben didn’t think Jim was listening.

Friday - 4pm – Ben learns that the Atlanta airport has been closed due to a security breach. Even at this time it is unclear what this hosehead did, but suffice it to say that he did something to get 250 Delta flights cancelled and the airport evacuated.

Friday – 5pm – Ben and Jim get on a 20 person line to get our tickets (Ben and Jim will never get e-tickets again). There is only one person working the counter and she is apparently mildly retarded.

Fri 6:30 – Ben and Jim have now been on line for 1 ½ hours. Our government counterpart has decided to punt and go back to Baton Rouge and continue living the secret life of Our Government Counterpart, which involves some semblance of deviant behavior…apparently when we got back to the hotel on Thursday night, our government counterpart snuck back out to go to the gambling casino. Weird?…you be the judge. Jim decides to go see if he can forage some food. He has .34 in cash at this moment so he goes to the cash machine where he gets the message – Your card has expired. Jim calls his spouse to inquire about this phenomenon and is told that he got a new card in the mail TWO WEEKS AGO. Fantastic! Jim is not pleased, but he hides these things well. He spends the next several minutes assaulting his Turducken in an unprecedented display of rage, the likes of which have not been seen since Chris Farley played a ninja in the movies. Ben gives Jim money and begs him to start drinking and achieve a state in which Ben believes Jim is more tolerant and at peace with himself. This is the Irish way. Jim goes upstairs to the location of the ONLY RESTURANT IN THE AIRPORT!!!! Jim cannot go through the gate because he has no plane ticket. Jim is not pleased, but again he manages to hide it well. Nobody sees Jim cry.

Jim and Ben remain on line for a total of 2 hours and 45 minutes during which time a flight leaves to Atlanta with 15 empty seats. We get tickets for a 10pm flight. Now it’s time to eat (and drink)……yeah!!!!!

I should point out at this time that at no point during the 2 ¾ hours that we were there did anybody make an announcement about what happened in Atlanta, or that there were major delays…and the flight board still declared all flights on-time. Fantastic.

The restaurant closes 15 minutes before we get upstairs. Jim is displeased, but hides it well. Ben is checking his pockets for bail money. I believe he is afraid.

Jim and Ben take a cab to get food. We ask for something close. The cab ride costs 20 bucks. The driver lets us out at the side of the restaurant and leaves. Jim and Ben walk around the side to discover……AN HOUR WAIT TO GET SEATED!!!

Jim and Ben manage to weasel their way into some seats and order lots of food. Ben orders two martinis and gives them both to Jim. This is an act of love. Jim’s food comes (The BBQ platter) and Ben is amazed and jealous of Jim’s portion. He is so obsessed that he takes a picture.

During dinner, a 70 year old woman comes up to Ben and tells him that he looks like her nephew, who is a fine young man and quite a hugger. Ben asks the woman if she wants a hug. The two embrace (for several more minutes than would be socially acceptable) and I am made strangely jealous by the whole situation. Ben sits down and informs me that he must order the soufflé for dessert.

Jim and Ben return to the airport and get on a plane for Atlanta. We have been upgraded to first class and can order free Bailey’s Irish Cream. We are living large. There are only five other fools on board.

Saturday 1am – Jim and Ben arrive in Atlanta and taxi to the gate. We will have a fifteen-minute delay before we can deplane.

Saturday 4pm – Our fifteen minute delay takes three hours. Ben and Jim attempt to take a nap. Ben thinks Jim is asleep and attempts to have phone sex with Kelsey.

Saturday 4:30 – Ben and Jim must find their luggage. They will take the rail system to the concourse that has the luggage. This is good because the concourse is over a half mile away. Jim and Ben are informed that the rail system is not operational. Jim is displeased. At this time Jim wishes he didn’t have a 30 lb. Turducken with him. The Turducken is melting. Jim is annoyed that Ben finds this amusing.. He keeps asking to look in the bag and see if the Turducken has a “heart-light” like E.T. that is slowly losing its glow. Ben is not funny.

Ben sees a father carrying his son on his shoulders and asks if he can ride on mine. Jim gives Ben the look of death and waps him in the skull with the Turducken. If the Turducken had still been frozen, Ben would cease to exist.

Saturday - 5am – Ben and Jim arrive at Baggage claim. It is very organized. There are 15,000 bags arranged in no particular order strewn all over the room. The information board displays vital information in helping passengers find their bags like. “Welcome to Atlanta!” Somehow Ben and Jim find their bags. Jim suggests that they get a push cart. Ben worships Jim’s understanding of technology and offers to pay if he pushes. We are a team. They proceed to the ticketing area where once again they suspect they are being stalked by airport babes. We think chicks dig bedhead.

Saturday 5:30 – Apparently 5000 other people have the same idea Ben and Jim have about getting plane tickets from Delta. We thought this was our idea. Ben and Jim attempt to find the end of the line. This is no small feat. Bedlam prevails and no one from Delta seems to be helping. In a flagrant act of anarchy Jim and Ben form their own line and draft several other renegade passengers to join the cult. They declare Ben their leader and follow him wherever he goes. Ben is a God. He gets us tickets and we will fly at 12:30 pm. Ben and Jim make several new friends. Ben offers to erect a web site in their honor.

Saturday – 6am – Jim and Ben go through security. We like that.

Saturday – 6:30 – Jim and Ben go to Burger King. Ben experiences gastrointestinal distress. The airport is an amazing display of 8000 people asleep on the floor and various other make-shift bedding. Jim and Ben will not sleep. Jim and Ben are warriors.

Saturday – 9:00 – Ben succumbs to sleep on the floor. He is a *****. Jim continues to walk around the airport and ogle women. Chicks dig that rumpled, just woke up look. If Jim only had a hat he would surely score.

Ben wakes up approximately once each hour to a new adoring group of family members staring at the drool oozing from his mouth. They have never seen a real live homeless person before. Ben shoos them away screaming….”I make more money than your father!”…..

Ben is losing it. He requires 12-14 hours of sleep per day.

Sat – 12:00 – Delta announces that the flight is delayed another hour because that crew got on the wrong plane. Silly crew.

Saturday – 3pm – Jim and Ben arrive in Virginia. Julie will meet us at the airport and give us a ride home. The plan is working like clockwork!!!!

Saturday - 4pm – Jim and Ben are still looking for their luggage. It is not there. The Delta claims office is very helpful in telling us that they aren’t really concerned.. Lot’s of people have lost their luggage. We could not hope to be unique in that regard. We are one of many. We call Julie on the cell phone to inform her that we may be late. The cell phone is dead. Perfect.

Saturday – 4:30 – Ben and Jim recover their luggage from the next flight coming in from Atlanta. Julie meets them on the upper concourse for the short ride back to Blackbird. Booch, recognizing the fact that Ben is in a weakened state, decides to engage him in some intellectual banter which is meant to crush and humiliate him. Booch will get in trouble for this, but states later that it was worth it. “I won, Dad” he declares. It was true.

Rest of Weekend – Ben and Jim sleep the sleep of the dead. The warrior dead. We are home.

D – Don’t
E – Ever

L – Link

T- Through

A - Atlanta

phule · 12-17-2001, 03:02 PM

Completely off-topic but why does one of the cats in the picture album have a blue dot on it's nose?

http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...limagreen2.JPG

[img]/forums/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif[/img]

phule · 12-17-2001, 03:02 PM

Completely off-topic but why does one of the cats in the picture album have a blue dot on it's nose?

http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...limagreen2.JPG

[img]/forums/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif[/img]

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11-26-2001, 12:57 PM	#1
imported_imported_bivaughn Guest Posts: n/a	Hello all, Below is a trip report written by my boss (funny guy) about the two of us attempting to get back to Washington from Louisianna Two weeks ago. Our trip was complicated by the man who did something that resembled an airport security breach, causing a ripple of travel problems throughout the U.S. We were caught up in that ripple. Enjoy Ben = Me Johanning = Co-worker Jim = Boss "Our Government counterpart" = Just that. P.S. - Great pictures of this event are at: http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...leans-november Jim and Ben’s Big Adventure – Fear and Loathing in Atlanta (An Extra Credit Project) Wed 11AM – In an act of complete selflessness, Ben allows Johanning to drive us to the airport in his Beamer. The ride is uneventful except for the half-eaten plate of food we found in the trunk. Ben has asked me not to include this in the report, so I won’t. Wed 1130 – We check in at the ticket counter, where the agent looks admiringly at the two of us after I tell her he is my traveling companion and that I am paying for his ticket. What a handsome couple. I tell her that I am the dominant one. Wed 1200 – Ben and Jim go through security and are in awe when we observe the scores of our Argenbright security brethren doing security things. Ben places his laptop on the conveyor belt. In an amazing display of technical wizardry our Pakistani amigo manages to adeptly shift the machine into reverse, catapulting Ben’s laptop out the back like a clay skeet dish. Laptops can bounce. They can bounce twice. Jim and Ben are not amused. Our Government counterpart has now joined us and appears to be deeply affected by the event. As the National Guard sequesters us off to the side, fearing an incident about to occur, our government counterpart declares a Fatwa on all security people at Gate B. Wed 1230 – Jim and Ben manage to find a person among the Argenbright staff who recognizes the key security phrase “I need to see a manager”. Ben fills out the prerequisite claims paper work with encryption penmanship only Ben can read. Jim manages to find a supervisor who has no business card and doesn’t know his office phone number. Jim and Ben feel really safe getting on the plane. Argenbright is here to keep us safe. Wed 1:00 – We find out the plane will be an hour late. This gives us a chance to shop at the airport. This gives Jim a woody. Wed 2:00 – We get on the plane. Through the wonders of modern technology Jim was able to select Jim and Ben’s seat via the Internet. The Internet informed Jim that there were only middle seats available. When Jim and Ben get on the plane, they are the only two people sitting in middle seats. Although middle seats are Jim’s favorites, he and Ben begrudgingly move to one of the several sets of seats that are entirely empty. Having close contact with others is good, but it is at times more fulfilling when you have to pay for it. Wed 400 – We arrive in Atlanta. There are many beautiful women at the airport. Ben and Jim fantasize that they are being stalked, but we probably aren’t. Wed 6:00 – We arrive in Baton Rouge. Our government counterpart tries to convince Jim that renting a Lincoln Towncar would be a really good idea and that that government doesn’t ever mind that type of thing. Jim gives the Hertz lady our government counterpart’s credit card and say’s OK. Wed 6-7:30 – Jim and Ben allow our government counterpart to drive the car (and we use that term generously) to New Orleans, where our morning meeting will take place. Apparently our government counterpart needs about 20 minutes notice when he needs to make a turn. Despite our repeated warnings from Steve, Ben and Jim find ourselves in the heart of exactly where Steve told us to never, never, ever, never be. Our government counterpart begins displaying an unnerving fascination with the ingenious population surrounding the car. This situation is exacerbated by the fact that we have a brand new white Lincoln with the interior lights on, maps flailing wildly, and our government counterpart, the incredible Caucasian saying things out that open window like “Gee whiz” and “Holy cow!” Ben and Jim are mortified. Ben tries to overcome the awkwardness by doing the Vaughnman’s rap with MC Jimmy James doing the funky scratches to the up beat. We are awesome. Wed 8:00 – We go to a place called Bourbon Street where we get to see unattractive people disrobing for plastic beads. Ben likened the experience to watching the aftermath of a car accident….You’re not really sure why you’re still watching, but somehow you can’t stop yourself. Do you remember the time you accidentally saw your grandmother naked? I don’t, but apparently our government counterpart does…..and he kept on talking about it. Ewgy. Thursday early – Friday afternoon – Meetings…We’ll spare the details. They all went extremely well. The only recallable highlight was when Ben told someone from the Emergency Management Center that he used to manage the entire NOC at UUNET. Ben didn’t think Jim was listening. Friday - 4pm – Ben learns that the Atlanta airport has been closed due to a security breach. Even at this time it is unclear what this hosehead did, but suffice it to say that he did something to get 250 Delta flights cancelled and the airport evacuated. Friday – 5pm – Ben and Jim get on a 20 person line to get our tickets (Ben and Jim will never get e-tickets again). There is only one person working the counter and she is apparently mildly retarded. Fri 6:30 – Ben and Jim have now been on line for 1 ½ hours. Our government counterpart has decided to punt and go back to Baton Rouge and continue living the secret life of Our Government Counterpart, which involves some semblance of deviant behavior…apparently when we got back to the hotel on Thursday night, our government counterpart snuck back out to go to the gambling casino. Weird?…you be the judge. Jim decides to go see if he can forage some food. He has .34 in cash at this moment so he goes to the cash machine where he gets the message – Your card has expired. Jim calls his spouse to inquire about this phenomenon and is told that he got a new card in the mail TWO WEEKS AGO. Fantastic! Jim is not pleased, but he hides these things well. He spends the next several minutes assaulting his Turducken in an unprecedented display of rage, the likes of which have not been seen since Chris Farley played a ninja in the movies. Ben gives Jim money and begs him to start drinking and achieve a state in which Ben believes Jim is more tolerant and at peace with himself. This is the Irish way. Jim goes upstairs to the location of the ONLY RESTURANT IN THE AIRPORT!!!! Jim cannot go through the gate because he has no plane ticket. Jim is not pleased, but again he manages to hide it well. Nobody sees Jim cry. Jim and Ben remain on line for a total of 2 hours and 45 minutes during which time a flight leaves to Atlanta with 15 empty seats. We get tickets for a 10pm flight. Now it’s time to eat (and drink)……yeah!!!!! I should point out at this time that at no point during the 2 ¾ hours that we were there did anybody make an announcement about what happened in Atlanta, or that there were major delays…and the flight board still declared all flights on-time. Fantastic. The restaurant closes 15 minutes before we get upstairs. Jim is displeased, but hides it well. Ben is checking his pockets for bail money. I believe he is afraid. Jim and Ben take a cab to get food. We ask for something close. The cab ride costs 20 bucks. The driver lets us out at the side of the restaurant and leaves. Jim and Ben walk around the side to discover……AN HOUR WAIT TO GET SEATED!!! Jim and Ben manage to weasel their way into some seats and order lots of food. Ben orders two martinis and gives them both to Jim. This is an act of love. Jim’s food comes (The BBQ platter) and Ben is amazed and jealous of Jim’s portion. He is so obsessed that he takes a picture. During dinner, a 70 year old woman comes up to Ben and tells him that he looks like her nephew, who is a fine young man and quite a hugger. Ben asks the woman if she wants a hug. The two embrace (for several more minutes than would be socially acceptable) and I am made strangely jealous by the whole situation. Ben sits down and informs me that he must order the soufflé for dessert. Jim and Ben return to the airport and get on a plane for Atlanta. We have been upgraded to first class and can order free Bailey’s Irish Cream. We are living large. There are only five other fools on board. Saturday 1am – Jim and Ben arrive in Atlanta and taxi to the gate. We will have a fifteen-minute delay before we can deplane. Saturday 4pm – Our fifteen minute delay takes three hours. Ben and Jim attempt to take a nap. Ben thinks Jim is asleep and attempts to have phone sex with Kelsey. Saturday 4:30 – Ben and Jim must find their luggage. They will take the rail system to the concourse that has the luggage. This is good because the concourse is over a half mile away. Jim and Ben are informed that the rail system is not operational. Jim is displeased. At this time Jim wishes he didn’t have a 30 lb. Turducken with him. The Turducken is melting. Jim is annoyed that Ben finds this amusing.. He keeps asking to look in the bag and see if the Turducken has a “heart-light” like E.T. that is slowly losing its glow. Ben is not funny. Ben sees a father carrying his son on his shoulders and asks if he can ride on mine. Jim gives Ben the look of death and waps him in the skull with the Turducken. If the Turducken had still been frozen, Ben would cease to exist. Saturday - 5am – Ben and Jim arrive at Baggage claim. It is very organized. There are 15,000 bags arranged in no particular order strewn all over the room. The information board displays vital information in helping passengers find their bags like. “Welcome to Atlanta!” Somehow Ben and Jim find their bags. Jim suggests that they get a push cart. Ben worships Jim’s understanding of technology and offers to pay if he pushes. We are a team. They proceed to the ticketing area where once again they suspect they are being stalked by airport babes. We think chicks dig bedhead. Saturday 5:30 – Apparently 5000 other people have the same idea Ben and Jim have about getting plane tickets from Delta. We thought this was our idea. Ben and Jim attempt to find the end of the line. This is no small feat. Bedlam prevails and no one from Delta seems to be helping. In a flagrant act of anarchy Jim and Ben form their own line and draft several other renegade passengers to join the cult. They declare Ben their leader and follow him wherever he goes. Ben is a God. He gets us tickets and we will fly at 12:30 pm. Ben and Jim make several new friends. Ben offers to erect a web site in their honor. Saturday – 6am – Jim and Ben go through security. We like that. Saturday – 6:30 – Jim and Ben go to Burger King. Ben experiences gastrointestinal distress. The airport is an amazing display of 8000 people asleep on the floor and various other make-shift bedding. Jim and Ben will not sleep. Jim and Ben are warriors. Saturday – 9:00 – Ben succumbs to sleep on the floor. He is a *****. Jim continues to walk around the airport and ogle women. Chicks dig that rumpled, just woke up look. If Jim only had a hat he would surely score. Ben wakes up approximately once each hour to a new adoring group of family members staring at the drool oozing from his mouth. They have never seen a real live homeless person before. Ben shoos them away screaming….”I make more money than your father!”….. Ben is losing it. He requires 12-14 hours of sleep per day. Sat – 12:00 – Delta announces that the flight is delayed another hour because that crew got on the wrong plane. Silly crew. Saturday – 3pm – Jim and Ben arrive in Virginia. Julie will meet us at the airport and give us a ride home. The plan is working like clockwork!!!! Saturday - 4pm – Jim and Ben are still looking for their luggage. It is not there. The Delta claims office is very helpful in telling us that they aren’t really concerned.. Lot’s of people have lost their luggage. We could not hope to be unique in that regard. We are one of many. We call Julie on the cell phone to inform her that we may be late. The cell phone is dead. Perfect. Saturday – 4:30 – Ben and Jim recover their luggage from the next flight coming in from Atlanta. Julie meets them on the upper concourse for the short ride back to Blackbird. Booch, recognizing the fact that Ben is in a weakened state, decides to engage him in some intellectual banter which is meant to crush and humiliate him. Booch will get in trouble for this, but states later that it was worth it. “I won, Dad” he declares. It was true. Rest of Weekend – Ben and Jim sleep the sleep of the dead. The warrior dead. We are home. D – Don’t E – Ever L – Link T- Through A - Atlanta

12-17-2001, 03:02 PM	#3
phule Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: ORD Posts: 188	Completely off-topic but why does one of the cats in the picture album have a blue dot on it's nose? http://bivaughn.neonhat.com:8550/pho...limagreen2.JPG [img]/forums/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif[/img]